Avril Lavigne covers “Chop Suey” by System of a Down

There are too many bad cover versions to even attempt a listing, so I’ve tried to avoid obvious cases where there is simply a talent gap between the original performers and the cover band. But this is something else. It’s so bad it’s actually painful to hear. “Chop Suey” is a gratingly pompous, prog-metal song to begin with. It has been covered many times, almost always as parody. Filipino band Parokya ni Edgar even recorded a version (“The Ordertaker”) about a man in a restaurant angrily demanding to be served his food. Ms Lavigne must have seen something in the song. Perhaps she was just having a spot of fun. But what comes out, quite simply, gives acoustic neuroma a good name. WARNING! Do not clean ear drums with a wire brush afterwards!

Billy Bragg covers “Waiting for the Great Leap Forward” by Billy Bragg

The original version is one of the great songs of the 20th century. On top of its strong melodic progression, it has some of the most potent lyrics ever penned for a political song. It’s about the difficulty of holding onto hope while the Thatchers and the Reagans are on the rise. Then something terrible happened. Bragg got what he wanted. Thatcher was thrown out of office and the Tories gutted themselves in the election that followed. You can’t blame a man for wanting to celebrate, but did Bragg really have to rewrite the lyrics and traipse from stage to stage with his guitar belting out a new version? The old message was “When you’re on the ropes, be strong.” The new message is, “When the enemy has self-destructed, be a smug, superior prick.”

Elton John covers “Candle in the Wind” by Elton John

Elton John could still crank out show tunes for Disney, but the spark of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road was gone. When he wanted a fitting tribute to his friend Lady Diana, he dusted off “Candle in the Wind”, renovated the arrangement a little, and painted over Bernie Taupin’s 24-year old lyrics with a thick layer of plaster of pap. To Elton John’s credit, he did so with Taupin’s blessing and he gave the profits to charity. His heartbreak was genuine, and apart from Diana’s funeral he has played only the 1973 version in concert. But how could he not see that he should have written a new tune for Diana? Even if it wasn’t his best work, even if there wasn’t time, at least it would be for her. “Candle in the Wind” was already taken, a melancholy love song to the memory of Marilyn Monroe. It used to be one of the touchstone tragedies in pop music. Now it’s a generic tearjerker. Goodbye, insert name.

William Shatner covers “Mr Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan

I know it’s an obvious pick. But you can’t go past it. As Danny Oz once told me, there are many versions of Dylan’s timeless classic…and this is the stalker with the DTs version. The ending gets me every time.

Shannon Noll covers “What About Me?” by Moving Pictures

“What about me? It isn’t fair. Everything is like so unreasonable, you know? Why won’t anyone pay any attention to what I’m saying? I’m like the lead singer in this cool band, and I have a message for the world about the time I was a kid and I had a job serving in a corner shop and it was like boring and it wasn’t as much fun as playing guitar and the manager wanted me spend like hours behind the counter…” God, what a whinefest! The only thing more depressing than the original song is knowing that the Shannon Noll version spent four unforgiveable weeks at #1 in the Australian charts. Noll can sing, and that only makes the travesty worse. Forget the old stories about Aussie grit and the pioneer spirit. We’re a nation of spineless whingers.

Celine Dion covers “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC

Multipart vocal harmonies? A guitar break as flat as an overcooked souffle? A woman with curtain tassels flowing from her sleeves doing the Angus hop in high heels? There is no God.

Counting Crows cover “Big Yellow Taxi” by Joni Mitchell

Listen to Joni Mitchell live, just her and the microphone. Now listen to the Counting Crows and Vanessa Carlton massacre “Big Yellow Taxi” with all the resources of a modern studio behind them. Proof, if ever it was needed, that no amount of slick engineering, complex arrangement, and trying-too-hard-to-be-cool marketing can beat one person with a voice, a guitar, and a clue about how to work the song.