For the last 5 years, the Australian Broadcasting Corporation has been choking its TV science. Radio science is doing fine: there are a number of wonderful Australian programs every week, notably The Science Show, Ockham’s Razor and The Health Report, and short, snappy appearances all over the place by the irrepressible Karl Kruszelnicki. But TV is languishing.

Back in 2001, the ABC canned its flagship science program, Quantum, and after much criticism, replaced it with a shallower vehicle, Catalyst. There is nothing wrong with a light science program, but it should not have been at the expense of Quantum – which was hardly heavy-going in the first place. And even then, most of the important stories are being made overseas, such as the Horizon demolition of homeopathy that was syndicated to Catalyst, or the mini-series Walking With Dinosaurs and its spinoffs. The latter programs were made with ABC involvement, but it was always the BBC at the helm.

Matters have deteriorated. Over the summer non-ratings period, the ABC is running a program in the Catalyst timeslot called Psychic Detectives, which could just as well have been called Gullible Reporters or Brainless Producers. This week, the ABC lists a total of four science programs out of 168 hours of programming. One is a 5-minute Bruce Petty cartoon about the human brain which is unlikely to explore any cutting-edge neuroscience; another is Time Team, which is a Channel 4 archeology/history show with elements of science. The two shows which are undeniably scientific turn up in graveyard slots: 2pm Saturday and 9:10 am Sunday.

And now the ABC has sunk to a new level of stupidity. Today I was watching the Hopman Cup, an international tennis tournament. Before each match, the ABC is crossing to — wait for it — a freaking astrologer for advice about who is going to win the match. And the commentary team keeps floating his predictions during the bloody match.

It may surprise the ABC to learn that the greatest revolution in professional-era sports has been the triumph of science, especially physiology, sports psychology, and materials science. Why couldn’t they get someone to talk about the fitness routines or the skills training? Apparently that’s not as much fun as giving some tosser three minutes to warble on about “lunar profiles” and “energy drags” before deciding, astoundingly, that the stars support the higher-ranked players.

I am expecting the ABC to announce massive cost savings next year by abandoning their narrow-minded, reductionist, communications technology. Instead they will be dispatching The Amazing Deepak! to report on the tennis via quantum mindwaves. If you want to tune in, just shut your eyes and concentrate. If you don’t get anything, it’s because your skepticism is interfering with the reception. The Amazing Deepak! may not meet the materialistic demands of the shallower members of the Australian community, but he will be refreshingly holistic.