My favourite psychic on this planet and on all the millions of other civilisations out there in this small universe is Derek Acorah. What a mind reading guy is Derek. Pity he only reads the minds of dead people. But heck if he don’t read them dead minds well. It’s all in the flash and style and he oozes it like ectoplasm from an aroused ghost.

I’ve recently seen Derek in action on the first series of Most Haunted. It’s a UK “reality” TV show that’s been around a few years but I’ve only got to it now. The premise is the same each episode; a bunch of people go to a reputably haunted place, a blonde in black leathers tells you the history, they have a psychic walk through, that’s Derek, then they spend the night waiting for nothing to happen, though they all get very scared waiting for nothing to happen. This is not quality television, but I found it addictive. I had to watch every episode waiting for nothing to happen.

The history is always interesting, who killed who, who was buried in what wall, etc, and some of the places were fairly cool (like walking through a disused underground station). A tad annoying that they pre-lit the places to make them creepier, they even got the ol’ dry ice out. Well, ya gotta set up the atmos, don’t cha? ‘Cause whats a good psychic without a bit of atmosphere to get you in the mood?

And it’s worth it, ’cause when Derek arrives it’s all entertainment. Now Derek has a spirit guide, an Ethiopian called Sam (hope that’s not short for Sambo). Not sure what a spirit guide is exactly but it seems to be like an invisible friend. Sam apparently does most of the talking with ghosts giving Derek the answers in his shell-like ear. And Derek gets very enthusiastic when he gets the answers. “Did you build these stairs?” He’ll ask the invisible ghost or ask invisible Sam to ask the invisible ghost. “Did you build these stairs? Yes, they are lovely stairs. You’re very proud of your stairs. He’s very proud of his stairs.” How can you not love a ghost chatterer like that?

Of course, not all ghosts are friendly. Derek got hit once when he stepped into an old castle’s “torture chamber”. Usually they make him keel over and unable to breathe and he takes longer to recover than a boxer getting up from a knockout. Still, Derek bravely carries on. He goes into spooky places, always excited. Camera crews seemed to get freaked, especially when he’s chatting to nasty things, but he’s always smooth. He especially likes encountering little girl ghosts. “Oh, she’s a feisty one, she is. Loves a bit of attention. A feisty one.”

And he sees ghosts everywhere. He never misses. I think he could find a ghost in an outback dunny. Derek’s da man. In one old castle a door mysteriously opens by itself. The camera crew rush over and sure enough Derek sees the ghost who did it and has a chat. I think we are supposed to ignore the piece of gaffa tape that had been holding the door closed. But no one is to say ghosts don’t undo gaffa tape on difficult-to-close doors.

Actually, Derek’s finest moment is when investigating an old theatre he re-enacts a duel in which one actor died with a cane through the eye. Both duellers are still hanging around the theatre being all bitter and jealous of each other’s acting ability. I tell ya what. Those actor ghosts haven’t got anything over Derek. And he was terribly effective as the camera crew ran around scared out of their wits all night. Onya Derek.

I so want to see the following seasons of Most Haunted to see what else Derek gets up to and to see if the “investigating” team see more than a couple of objects jostle slightly out of camera and in reach of the cameraman (who’s also the producer, who’s also the husband of the blonde in leathers). There was a crucifix caught on camera moving by itself (well the paper it was on moved and the end of the paper was out of shot. Dang, so close.) Oh, and a bunch of them did see a ghost the one time they didn’t take a camera with them. But hey, I’m sure that in the next three to four seasons they’ll catch something cool on camera. Well, anything better than that speck of out of focus dust that floats through a light shaft and freaks ‘em all out in almost every goddamn episode. They like to call them orbs and suggest they are the beginning of a ghost manifestation, not that the buggers ever get round to manifesting.

But if they don’t, it don’t matter. ‘Cause we got the Derek. Derek Acorah; friend of ghosts and all other kind of invisible fellows. What a guy is Derek.

Most Haunted

Derek “Every Dead Person’s Pal” Acorah