There have been rumours of a new Iranian bicycle designed to protect women’s modesty by enclosing them in an opaque cabin as they ride. This is intended to assist women pursue sporting activities. While this has a suspiciously hoax-like ring to it, one can only hope that it is true. Consider this shameless female cyclist from the Victorian era:

One can see the woman’s outline and her face is uncovered to reveal an expression of irrestistible sexual promise. How was the poor male to withstand the unremitting carnal intensity of that exposed right ear? Given that this sort of immodesty was standard for the time, it is no surprise that Victorian cyclists eventually became desensitised to displays of outrageous public indecency such as this:

Now, at last, the Iranian republic has put its mind to developing a mode of bicycle that will cover most of a woman’s body. However noble the intent, though, one must admit that it does not go far enough. It still leaves a fair proportion of the female form visible. And let’s face it, even if the cabin covered every square inch of the woman within, the capacity of the male to sexualise and embroider fetishes is seemingly unlimited. Soon enough, a mere glimpse of a woman’s bicycle cabin would rouse men in the street to an erotic frenzy. Soon enough, women would feel violated by the slightest provocative glance at their cabins. Soon enough one would need to manufacture a drape to cover the cabin to enclose the burqa to hide the clothes that protect the precious female modesty within. And so on, ad infinitum.

My friends, this will not do. Clearly it is not enough to cover women in so many obscuring layers that a man on his wedding night will utter as many delighted squeals as a child playing Pass the Parcel when he’s the only competitor, his excitement mounting with every layer unwrapped and, when finally revealed, the gift at the centre will come as such a tremendous surprise that he will scratch his head and wonder how one is supposed to play with it. No, any viable solution to protecting female modesty must take into account the male of the species as well. Frankly, one can only marvel at how we got so far down the track of disguising femininity before we came to the unpleasant fact of the responsibility of the male. We need wait no more. I hereby announce my own patented bicycle for males that complements the Iranian women’s bicycle. If every male was to ride the streets in this ingenious velocipede, I have little doubt that sexual offences would soon become a thing of the past…

…outside the home, at least.